Sunday, January 29, 2012

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

I wake up tired as always. I hear crying. I don't want to get up just yet. My body's not working, I can barely move. Is it really morning already? I've not had enough sleep. I never feel like I've had enough sleep. I always need more. I can't face my children in the mornings. Mornings are hell.

It takes me all morning to wake up; I heave myself around with no energy, trying to restock my broken body with an ounce of power to get me through the day. My eyes close heavy and slowly, my sore back can't support my body, my every molecule aches for more sleep. I have to force myself to keep going, to carry on. The kids need me.


The noise they pump out shreds my nerves. I have to shut down, I imagine a protective shield around me that takes the edge of this screaming and shouting. I wish I could openly wear ear plugs. I take deep breaths and try not to shout at them but I'm so grumpy when I'm tired. I try to remain quiet as I try to dig inside for energy to come alive. I can't hear their demands, I tune out; it's the only way to protect myself from being drained any further. I can't cope with my kids when they are like this. I inevitably shout at them, exasperated and annoyed. When did I become Shouty Mummy? I never used to shout, ever.

I can't think straight. All around is noise. I just want more sleep. When I'm tired like this and they scream and whinge, I struggle to find anything likable about them. Who are these wild animals? How is it they have so much energy when I have so little? When did all this fatigue and exhaustion kick in? I'm numb. I'm frazzled. I snap at my husband who snaps back - so we start the day on a bad note too. 

If only I could wake up gently, not be woken up rudely by kids jumping on my head screaming to be taken downstairs. If only my baby wasn't constantly teething at the moment, screaming in pain for me and my milk during the night. If only there wasn't so much screaming in my life. It's a form of torture you know!

I haven't dreamed in so long. I haven't remembered a dream, I should say, because of the sudden snap out of sleep and Call To Action. That makes me sound like a Superhero, ready to respond, I'm not, I'm Bad Mum in the mornings. Grumpy Mum. I yearn for peace and quiet. Have I said that already? I want to be more alive but I'm struggling. I'm half dead. The kids are killing me. 

This is how I start every day.

Today I was allowed a bit of clarity so I could download this out of my brain because a dear friend took Jago away to play with her similarly manic son, my parents had Tegan overnight (yippie - one less child coming into us during the night), and I've just put the baby back to bed. Peace at last, for a snapshot of time, as I clear up the mess and bring myself back to me.




4 comments:

Lucy @ DreamingAloud said...

From my moon book -Ernest Hartmann, author of The Biology of Dreaming, has shown that our need for REM sleep increases in the pre-menstrual period and lack of it causes PMT - it is NOT just sleep you need, it is DREAMING sleep - THIS is what you are shouting about this is what your body is desperate for - to dip into the refreshing, healing, nourishing, creative depths of your consciousness - this is where we integrate ourselves and our worlds... lack of this is SO hard
x

Karien said...

Oh, this sounds SOOO familiar.... mine are 4, 2.5 and the youngest has just turned 1, so similar ages. Life like this is just really hard. You need to manage 3 little ones on little sleep and you can easily lose yourself in the process. Check out some of my blogs (scroll a bit back for the shouting ones... The posts 'Noise' and 'Cloudy days' especially, around nov/dec last year, might be helpful for you as they will show you that you are not the only one that struggles) We need to support each other! Unfortunately I don't have many tips, If I had the answer I could help myself. Apart form to keep trying to find some time for time for you, just to recharge... What is it that loads your batteries? Is it only sleep or are there other things that make you feel like you again? For me other things, like a walk on the beach or a night out with friends work better than a lie in.

Amy Vickers said...

Yeah the two seem very connected for me right now.

sarah said...

Oh Amy... I can feel the exhaustion in every sentence... And as Karien said above, it's not just sleep you need, it's you time. So well done on getting this blog up and running. I look forward to you daily mutterings and hope the blog helps you get in touch with YOU again. Ps - can I take missy Tegan again in the morning?