Monday, September 03, 2012


I didn't think I'd feel it. I expected to come away dancing a jig, energised, ready to start my new life where I could reclaim a bit of me again.

Instead I felt deflated. Sad. Heart pounding.

Looking around the house now, empty but for everything they've scattered on the floor, it's quiet for the first time. I love silence. It's something I've craved for so long but now it's here I feel different about it, lost.

The drum of my heart traps me in this moment, forcing me to be aware of the enormity of what just happened, connecting me umbillically to my two little ones who just experienced two very big firsts...

The first day of school.

The first day of full-time playschool.

The excitement aty the school was infectious, giddy parents catching up, fawning over little ones in miniature school uniforms.

Our boy told us to stop talking, his nervousness keeping him silent.

In the classroom he sat still, flanked by friends, taking it all in, willing me to stop taking photos and go home.

Who is the boy that he will become? Will his anger spill out and cause trouble in the class? Will he retreat into his mute, feral side, licking everything, clawing at things, rolling his eyes? Will he ever be able to listen and follow instruction? Will they notice his behavioural problems? Or will they just evaporate as his emotional intelligence kicks in?

I feel numb now. The excitement has worn off and I'm exhausted.

It suddenly makes sence to me, this being a mum and worrying about your wee ones.

I've been too busy mothering 3 little people until now to even think straight.

And I suddenly understand why my mum said she cried when she left me at the school gates 35 years ago today.

To my darling children, I'm so proud of you today.

May you fly and flourish. I love you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Gorgeous post! Beautiful photo - your babies are adorable!